Retorno International Rehab

Eventually, I began to suffer emotionally and internally. I did not want to live anymore. I did not know that this suffering had anything to do with my using. I was too scared to live. I was too scared to die, also. The words of an addiction counselor at Retorno (who was trying to help me at the advice of a private therapist I was seeing) rang in my head--"Retorno could save your life." I had nothing to lose. I was desperate enough to have an open mind and a willingness to take this addiction counselor's suggestion. On the eve of the holiday of Passover I arrived. The counselor on shift that night said: "Girls... From slavery, to freedom." Everyone answered, "Amen!"

I was so anxious. The beautiful mountainous view was not beautiful to me. Rather, it was scary and reminded me of how big the world is. This made me cringe. Who would've thought that 11 months later, at the conclusion of my treatment, I would have stood at that same spot and, looking out, said "The world is so beautiful." I sure didn't believe that. I was a 20 year old American and all I wanted that first week was my mother. Eventually, a few days passed I started to feel more and more moments of comfort. I remember looking around and telling one of the other American patients that "I know I don't speak the same language as most of the girls. I know we don't know each other yet. But, I feel like I am among friends." I asked that she translate that to one of the Israeli girls who was sitting with us. The Israeli girl, who eventually became a friend, looked at me and said in Hebrew--"We love you."

I heard that phrase a lot throughout my time there. "We love you," or "Ohavim." Not only did I hear that a lot, but I was taught to talk about my feelings and thoughts and to hide in the dark room of shame that we create inside of ourselves. Slowly, I did this and became honest about things I thought I would take to the grave with me. I remember the first time I realized that nobody was judging me. Not only did I not feel judged, but the girls related to me and talked about how they had similar experiences. It was life-changing. When our behavior was out of line, as it sometimes was, we were sent to the bench. I was sent to the bench a few times. I needed to learn humility. Thank you Retorno, for teaching me humility. Life is much sweeter when I live with humility. Not humiliation--humility.

One time I got permission to go out for the day. I returned and missed dinner. The counselor told me I missed dinner and I did not eat that night. I realize that I am risking people interpreting this as cruel. But the truth is, Retorno saved my life because I learned responsibility. My father is a lawyer and I grew up in a well-to-do family in Long Island. For the first time in my life, I had to fight for something. I had to fight for my sobriety, my life, serenity. I was not merely given these things on a silver platter. I had to work for the gifts.

When I received permission to leave for a whole weekend, and drank, I was suspended. They told me to fax them every day. I did. They let me back because they saw I was honest. The counselors gave me a week of dishes. I was told to be in the dishes room all day from morning to night, and just write. It was hard and one day I went to the office, crying and wet from dishes, and told the counselor I want to leave. He told me "No. You asked me for my help and told me not to let you quit. So you go back to those dishes and fight." I listened and I wrote. They told me to write the things I'm hiding. Write the things that are scary. Write about what is happening inside Jaime. I did. I haven't drank since that night. It was 5 and a half years ago. By the grace of a Higher Power. What other reviews call harsh and abusive treatment, many of us, most of us, call saving our lives. Including myself. Thank you, Retorno.

My first Sabbath in Retorno, I remember hearing one of the counselors make kiddish (customary blessing over grape juice). Everyone screamed "L'chaim!!!!" I thought to myself, if these people once felt like me and can now scream "To life!!!!!" there must be hope here. And there was. I learned how to live. The counselors and girls loved me until I learned to love myself. They taught me that whatever my past was, whatever my secrets are, however badly I want to use, I have a choice. I don't have to suffer. I can choose life and here's how. Eventually, I caught on to the language. I came in not knowing more than a few simple sentences in Hebrew. I began translating groups for other new girls from English-speaking families.

5 and a half years ago, I was given the tools to live happily and healthily at Retorno. I laughed until my belly hurt. I also cried until my belly hurt. They told me to hold on, take it easy. They also told me however much I cry during my time in Retorno, will be how much I will laugh on the outside. And how true that is. Life is so sweet. I only needed a new pair of glasses, a different perspective.

I have so many countless memories from Retorno. Whether we were roasting vegetables over a bonfire, taking trips or hikes, riding horses in beautiful nature, sitting in the Rabbi's classes, arguing with one of my fellow patients, sitting alone in the dishes room that week not allowed to talk to anyone, feeling heard and not judged, feeling loved and cared for. Trips to Cafe Aroma in the nearest shopping center. The list is endless. Notice how I put the hard times on the same list as the sweetest times. This is because I wouldn't trade my time at Retorno for anything. I go back every year to visit. I am currently finishing my master's degree this May. I have the sweetest family and I am incredibly blessed. One day at a time. Thank you Retorno.

I am beyond grateful for having had the chance to go through Retorno's treatment. I came in a lost girl, hurt, filled with despair and distrust to mankind. I left with my head held high, proud to be me, mature, and filled with love and hope. Today, almost 10 years later, I still use the tools that I received there, still tell myself 'back to basics' when I need to. I try to give back to other suffering addicts the way that so much was given to me back then. I am forever grateful to those in Retorno who believed in me and gave me a second chance at life.

The staff at Retorno had all these qualities which helped restored hope in me. They gave me the help I so desperately needed and taught me about healthy boundaries, self-respect and dignity. I know people who got sober without going to rehab and I give them a lot of credit... I don't know how they did it! Retorno helped me deal with issues I've had my whole life. It helped restore me to a sense of safety. It wasn't always easy (and sometimes it was really hard) but I knew it was harder on the "outside" and I needed to learn how to cope. I will be forever grateful for Retorno. That is my experience.

The following is a short summary of some of the treatments I underwent at Retorno. The women there, ages 17-25 (many of whom did not graduate high school nor speak English), spent long hours each day shoveling horse manure or peeling potatoes with no group or other therapy. The horses are owned by the CEO of Retorno, Eitan Eckstein. Another 'therapy' included forcing a grown woman to wear baby clothing, use a pacifier, carry a stuffed animal, eat baby food and watch cartoons on TV (for perceived 'immature' behavior.). It was sadistic and upsetting, disheartening and unsettling to the entire group of women, who stood by helplessly.

When two women had a conflict, they were tied together by a rope for weeks at a time so they were forced to be together 24 hours each day. Two women might also be similarly tethered to each other if one had a 'happy' personality and the other very 'depressed.' To the best of my knowledge, no benefit was ever derived by anyone. This was 'Conflict Resolution Therapy' or 'Emotional Leveling Therapy.

For 'Anger Confrontation Therapy', all the women are forced to confront each other by standing, heads down, in a circle. A woman is selected to verbally attack another and stand nose to nose with her. The attacked woman must hang her head down and say 'thank you' ('toda raba') to the often irrational hatred and insults and obscene language permitted to be used by teenage girls. The counselors urged that stronger, louder language be used by the woman screaming so that 'real' anger be expressed.

Let me also describe 'Silence/Human Isolation Therapy.' As a survivor of incest, I fear isolation and silence, which were integral parts of my childhood abuse. I advised Retorno of my PTSD upon entering. Nonetheless, Retorno placed me in 'silent' treatment - no speaking, no reading, no writing - for a day after which I broke down completely, finally screaming helplessly and incomprehensibly. The 'treatment' was discontinued, but no therapy or help offered. The next day, the counselors told us they were 'happy with the silent treatment results' and reinstated the 'silence.' I responded the same way again, only more quickly this time, again with no help.

To this day I have recurrent nightmares reliving these experiences. Many 'feedback' sessions were used to retaliate or intimidate women who had no recourse or ability to share their side -- the fine line between teaching accountability and blaming the victim was crossed and humiliation, guilt and shame were used to motivate behavior. At one 'feedback' session, I was forced to sit for a prolonged period on the punishment bench in 120 F degree heat for accidentally becoming tangled in the air conditioning cord on the evening of Shabbat, and unbeknownst to me unplugging the air conditioner I was tangled in, which I was told is a serious religious orthodox Jewish prohibition on Shabbat.

After a period in the hot sun, I was told to stand up from the bench, forced to hang my head down, and 'accept' my corrective instructions. My additional punishment was not to be allowed air conditioning for a week in the desert heat. Women who broke 'rules' were commonly made to live/sleep/eat in isolation outside in the desert on a cot and not allowed to interact with anyone for a minimum of a week at a time.

Retorno sent mixed messages about relationships. Women were told to be open and vulnerable to their community, but NOT to form strong bonds with one or a few others. Outside of Retorno women's friendships tend to include one or a few close intimates -- not a unit of 25 women -- when the staff noticed a close relationship between two women (as was the case with a friend I made), it was labelled 'pathological' and steps were taken to separate the women. I have written to addiction specialists and Talmudic scholars in an attempt to understand these 'treatments'.