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Sweaty breasts? That's what towels are for

The guys trying to sell you boob deodorant think you're an idiot. Don't prove them right.

There is no polite way to say this: the women's beauty industry is based on contempt for its would-be customers, all of whom must be convinced “You're not good enough, and won't be unless you buy and use whatever ridiculously overpriced crap we're trying to sell.”

Consider the stories you'll find splashed across the cover of a typical so-called “women's” magazine:

FIFTEEN COMPLICATED NEW EYE-MAKEUP-APPLICATION TECHNIQUES (which you must master because, even though people say your eyes are your best feature, everything around them is just bleah)

KICKY NEW FIGURE-ENHANCING FASHIONS (necessary because your unenhanced figure frankly looks like a cow's)

HOW TO MAKE HIM COMMIT TO YOU (which, due to your sundry figure and personality flaws, he'd never consider doing unless you apply the manipulation techniques outlined in this-here $4.95 magazine)


MUST-HAVE TRENDY CLOTHES THAT WILL BE HOPELESSLY OUT OF FASHION NEXT YEAR (but buy them anyway. What, you want to save your money for investment purposes? Pshaw, that Prince Charming you'll catch after doing everything we tell you is surely the only investment you'll ever need.)

None of this is enough, of course, so the beauty industry is always inventing entire new reasons why women should feel insecure about ourselves so they can sell us even more expensive new money-wasting products to assuage that insecurity. As of January 2014, the latest thing we're supposed to worry about is a newly discovered/invented condition called “hyperhidrosis,” or “sweaty breasts,” which is incurable [alas] although its symptoms can be alleviated [hooray!] via frequent liberal applications of something called “breast deodorant.”

"Bust Dust"

Seriously. And there's more than one brand of breast deodorant on the market, too! Klima Deodorant claims to have the best kind, because their “Bust Dust” is more than just a deodorant; it's also an anti-perspirant. Here's what the marketing copy has to say:

Nobody likes sweating through their bra or shirt.

Unfortunately, due to genetics, the heat, certain types of shirts or a myriad of [sic] other factors, roughly 30% of people worldwide suffer from chest and breast sweating (Hyperhidrosis).

While there have been many products on the market claiming to keep your chest fresh, none of them were actually an antiperspirant, they were simply baby powders with perfume. And without an antiperspirant, these will not do anything to stop wetness from leaking through your clothing.

Bust Dust is a revolutionary product because it not only prevents odor, but also blocks sweat from exiting your skin where it is applied.

Over in the UK, journalist Radhika Sanghani, while demanding to know “How stupid do beauty companies think women are?” wrote a face-palming summary of these new products for the Telegraph, and pointed out the following:

“Many people do use deodorants for their underarms, but they have the most sweat glands in the body and underarm sweat can make clothes smell or stain. Breasts are not in the same sweating league, and generally only produce sweat in intense heat or post-exercise.”

Obviously. Underarm anti-perspirants can genuinely be useful because, even when you're relaxing quietly in a cool, dry place, your armpits can still produce enough sweat to literally ruin your clothes. But for the most part, your boobs (and arms, and legs, and torso and back) don't get sweaty unless all of you gets sweaty, in which case suppressing the sweat sounds like an extremely unhealthy thing to do.

There's a reason

Remember the reason we evolved sweat glands in the first place: to rid ourselves of excess body heat. When our body temperature gets too high, sweat glands release water onto our skin, and as that water evaporates it takes heat with it. These are basic laws of physics and human biology.

And here's another one: when you're in hot weather or doing intense exercise, your skin is supposed to be shiny rather than matte. If this doesn't happen – if you're exercising on a hot day, yet your skin remains non-reflective and dry to the touch – this is bad and you must drink some water immediately, and possibly seek medical attention, because such symptoms could indicate anything from “severe dehydration” to “a weird new medical syndrome wherein you're at constant risk of heat stroke because your sweat glands don't work.”

Or maybe you just need to take a shower, scrub off the boob anti-perspirant you foolishly applied to your entire body, and resolve never to waste your money on anything as idiotic as breast deodorant ever again.

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