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According to some presumptive-genius ad executive at Nine West I can go barefooted the rest of my life, since I'm married and don't have kids.

Seriously. Nine West (a shoes-and-accessories company whose slogan is not “High heels at high prices,” but it should be), revamped its website to appeal to the modern American shoe-buying woman and the two “Shoe Occasions” in her lifetime: “Starter husband hunting” and “First day of kindergarten.”

That's the complete list. Starter husband hunting and the first day of kindergarten are the two occasions for which Nine West thinks your typical contemporary American woman might buy their shoes. Graduation? Job interview? Landing that promotion? Any of the thousand and one other reasons a woman might want (or even need) a decorative new pair of shoes?

Nope, because according to the deep thinkers at Nine West there aren't 1,001 reasons for a woman to buy their shoes, only two: one pair of do-me pumps to snag yourself a Man and then, at least five years and nine months later, a second pair of shoes to wave Junior off to his first day of kindergarten.

Husband-hunting tip, courtesy of Nine West: “Go get em' [sic] tiger. Whether you're looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now … we got a shoe for that.” If the term “Mr. Right” is all-encompassing, that suggests you should also consider Nine West once you're ready to trade in your “starter” husband for a more deluxe model.

(Note to the ladies: if you want to snag a husband who's also a hot-n-sexy grammarian, the way Barbara Stanwyck did in the 1941 comedy Ball of Fire, [admittedly old-fashioned by circa-2014 standards, but right up Nine West's alley], bear in mind that last bit of encouragement should have read “Go get 'em tiger” with the apostrophe in front of the “em” to indicate the replacement of missing letters: 'em in lieu of them. You should also know this if you want to be a grammarian yourself, or any other type of college professor or professional-type person ... but in that case you lack "Shoe Occasion" and there's no need for you to patronize Nine West, no matter how much they patronize you.)

Dry those tears

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And what about “First Day of Kindergarten?” Nine West says: “The bus arrives and so do the waterworks. Then it hits you: Mommy now has the weeks off. Wipe those happy-sad tears … we got a shoe for that.”

My neighbor is going to be ecstatic when she finds out that after her kid starts kindergarten next month, she'll have the weeks off and nothing to do but prance around in Nine West stilettos all day. I almost stopped typing this long enough to run next door and give her the good news, but then I remembered: she's not home now, and won't be for several hours yet because she's at work, tending to the job she holds to earn money, pay off her college loans and support her family. Does Nine West “got a shoe for that?” None that I could find on their website.

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