Ahh, Valentine’s Day.
To some (mostly women), it’s a day for you and your
significant other to show how much you care about each other --
usually with the aid of candy, flowers and expensive dinners or
trips.
To others (mostly men), it’s a Hallmark holiday invented to
push candy, flowers, and expensive dinners or trips.
For singles, it’s a night of potential sadness. For
couples, it’s a night of potential disappointment that
whatever’s planned isn’t “romantic
enough.”
Yet, every year, people work themselves into a frenzy embracing, or
rebelling against, Valentine‘s Day.
Mars and Venus
Barbara Hayes, MS, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family
therapist and author of Beware of
Dogs, a new book she says will help women understand how
to determine the difference between the petty issues that plague
most relationships and the big red flags that the relationship is
headed for disaster.
She said when it comes to February 14th, she’s seen and heard
it all.
“I know of cases where the female partner has ended a
long-term relationship because of events involving
Valentine’s Day,” said Hayes.
“One middle-aged woman left her partner of several years
because he asked if they could celebrate the holiday a day early
due to pressing obligations concerning his family business. He had
even planned a lovely dinner and had already procured a suitable
present.”
Hayes said she was taken aback when she heard this story and
assumed she might be out of touch with “normal” female
sentiments since she didn’t think celebrating
Valentine’s Day on a different night was such a big
deal.
A little perspective
Hayes said these days, women appear to be more pragmatic and
down-to-earth than hopelessly romantic, something the men in their
lives will no doubt appreciate.
“As grown-ups, we can choose what meaning we assign to
events; we are not stuck having to think or feel the way that our
parents, our friends, or the media dictate.”
Hayes said reframing how women view Valentine’s Day (or any
holiday, really) can take some time, energy, and thought, but the
rewards can be well worth the effort. Especially when it can lead
to less stress on the relationship.
“One way to change your view of this or any situation is to
ask yourself scaling questions, which are one of the tools that
therapists use when helping clients put their thoughts and feelings
in a more appropriate perspective. For almost any woman considering
a long-term commitment, qualities like being a strong and stable
emotional, financial, physical, and social partner would easily
earn five to ten points on a ten-point scale of desirable traits in
a partner.”
These qualities, Hayes said, should be what women think about
during relationship make-or-break situations.
“The minor misunderstandings that get blown out of proportion
should pale in comparison to having someone who: is financially
responsible; is there for you in times of crisis (health problems,
death of family or friends, etc); is a warm, attentive, and
respectful companion; is committed to you; and lets you know he
cares about you in his own ways.”
Hayes is quick to note that last quality can cause its own type of
stress, since men tend to show they care about the woman they love
in ways most women don’t notice or particularly care for. For
some men, fixing something, watching TV together, or having sex is
their preferred way to express their love for their girlfriend or
wife.
And while fixing a running toilet followed by a roll in the hay
isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s not something that
signifies romance to many ladies.
Hayes said, however, women shouldn’t sweat it too much if their man isn’t “perfect” in the romance department.
“In ten or twenty years, you will remember if he comforted you at your mother’s funeral, but a tiff over Valentine’s Day will seem trivial.”
Speak up
Women who are really jonesing for a romantic Valentine’s
Day may have to break down and tell their man what they want. The
idea of “I shouldn’t have to tell him”
doesn’t apply, since, according to Hayes, men are typically
not great at picking up facial or verbal clues.
And if that doesn’t work, Hayes recommends women go easy on
their boyfriend or husband.
“If he has good reasons why he can’t accommodate your
wishes even after you express them directly, realize that it should
not be a deal-breaker as long as he meets your needs in truly
important ways.”
Instead, Hayes suggests focusing on all of the other things he does
that shows he cares.
As for single women, Hayes recommends being a little less positive
-- at least for an evening.
“Think of all of the bad Valentine’s Days that you have
had with Mr. So-Wrong and all of the poor women who are having them
now.”
Reflection
Good, old-fashioned pampering is another way to avoid feeling
lonely -- taking a bubble bath, or watching a cheesy soap opera.
For the newly single, Hayes recommends doing anything an ex never
wanted to do.
“Remind yourself that the next relationship you get into will
be with someone kind, caring, and considerate because you are
committed to never again settling for Mr.
Will-Do-for-Now.”
And remembering that most people don’t have the type of
crazy, sexy, passion-filled Valentine’s Days portrayed in pop
culture can help all women, regardless of relationship
status.
In this day and age, with the recession, unemployment, stress, gas
prices, and high divorce rates, maybe sitting on the couch one
night together, eating a home-cooked meal and laughing at a funny
movie is the most romantic thing any couple can do.
