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Holiday Visit Can Be a Wake-Up Call

It's challenging to keep tabs on elders who live alone and far away

By John Boden

November 24, 2008

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In our many years as geriatric care managers we learned that that we should be ready for new business at holiday time. The phone would ring and on the other end would be an emotionally-charged person who arrived from the frozen north to visit an aged parent yesterday and can’t believe what he or she has found.

“I call mother every week and she always tells me she is fine. I don’t know what happened and I don’t know where to begin. The house has not been cleaned, she has lost a lot of weight, and I don’t know if she is taking her medications or what medications she is supposed to take.” And so on and so on ...

I hope this will not be you or someone you know this holiday, but you can rest assured it will be happening to a lot of visiting families and they will have do whatever it takes in the short period of time that they have to fix the situation. But today I would like to talk about some of ways we can avoid the situation in the first place.

“I’m fine.” is not an acceptable answer and “How are you?” is not an acceptable question when you are talking with your parent. You should ask specific questions and be sure you get specific answers.

“What did you eat for breakfast today?” What was the last day you went to the grocery store and what did you buy?” What day is your appointment with Dr. Smith?” “What did the doctor prescribe for your sore knee?”

If there is anyone such as neighbor or relative that sees your parent or other relative, you should be calling them periodically for a little chat to see how they are doing and then you can slip in a question or two about your elder. But don’t come across like you are asking them to be an informer.

Elders often find a stable routine is what they prefer. Shopping on Thursdays, early bird special at Denny’s with Ethel on Tuesdays, washing on Monday morning, and so on. You should learn their schedule and watch for changes -- and if there are any, find out why.

Send photos, news clippings, and greeting cards in the mail. Then ask about it in a way that requires specific answers such as, "Which photo did I send you, the one with the big smile or the one with both kids in it?” Do not settle for yes, no, okay, fine, or other meaningless responses.

You will get an added benefit from this type of conversation, as you will both find more to talk about and each call will not be the same as the last, over and over again. There will be real news, different topics, and generally you will both have a more interesting and enjoyable time on the phone.

John Boden, a longtime geriatric care manager, is president of LifeLedger.com, a Web site for family caregivers.

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