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Staying Safe While Looking for Love

By Jan Yager
ConsumerAffairs.com

February 13, 2007

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As Valentine's Day approaches, romance is in the air, but if you're still searching for that special someone this can be a particularly vulnerable time. While dating has always had a certain amount of risk attached, today with the Internet and a wide variety of dating services the risks associated with dating may be even more extreme.

Take the example of the 56-year-old divorced carpenter who traveled to Brazil thinking he was going there to marry a woman he had met through a dating service in the U.S. -- only to become a homicide victim when he was killed, allegedly by her real-life boyfriend after she had depleted the victim's bank accounts of $200,000.

Or the college student who was killed, allegedly by a co-worker and friend because his friend reportedly was jealous they were both carrying on a long distance relationship with the same woman they had met through the Internet.

It turned out that the young woman who supposedly was the object of the dueling affections was actually a married mother in her mid-40s who was sending her daughter's photos to conceal her true identity.

As the author of "125 Ways to Meet the Love of Your Life" (Hannacroix Creek Books, 2004), "Single in America" (Atheneum, 1980), and "Victims" (Scribner's, 1978), I have come up with 15 tips to help you to be safer in your search for love and romance, especially if you are communicating with total strangers that you are meeting through the Internet, dating services, or at parties or singles or business networking events.

In the Beginning

1. First and foremost, do not give out your home or work address, especially if you live alone. Start slowly, giving out only your e-mail address and/or cell phone number, keeping your home phone number unlisted or list it without a street address.

2. Never get into a car with someone you've just met or that you don't know that well and don't go unescorted to their apartment or home or allow them to be in yours.

Following that rule might have saved the life of a 14-year-old girl who invited the 17-year-old she had been communicating with online for 9 months to the house where she lived with her grandfather in a deserted location. Unfortunately she invited him to visit her when her grandfather was away overnight.

According to the New York Times report by Andrew Jacobs, the youth, in explaining why he stabbed the girl to death, told the arresting officer, "I just snapped."

3. Meet in a public place, such as a restaurant or coffee shop. If you meet at a bar, be careful about how you will handle getting home afterwards if you have something to drink and therefore do not want to drive, or to get in the car of someone who has been drinking. Have on hand the phone number of a taxi or set it up in advance that one or more friends will be available to you to help you get home.

4. There's usually safety in numbers. Bring one or more friends along with you when you meet someone for the first time or even the second or third time, till you're really comfortable and confident about this new person. Certainly at the wee hours in the morning do not split up with your friends, going off with someone new that you have just met, especially if you or the other person are inebriated.

5. Do a background check whether it's a formal one, where you hire a service that will check this person out, or do an informal one by checking out some of the details of the life history that you're learning. Do the details check out? Are there any red flags in her or his accounts that make you suspicious that something's not quite right?

6. Watch out for websites that are not legitimate dating sites but are actually porn sites. Check out the website's authenticity before sharing your e-mail or any other information at the site.

7. You have a right to ask someone to take a blood test, or show you the results of a blood test, if you suspect there may be any possibility that he or she is HIV positive or has a sexually transmitted disease that you might be at risk of catching.

8. Make sure at least one other person, preferably two or more, know your whereabouts at all times including who you are going to meet and where you are planning to go. Always have complete contact information on anyone you are dating so you can provide that information to others, in writing or in voice messages.

9. Protecting yourself is not just a question of taking care that you are not physically hurt or your possessions or money is stolen.

You also want to be careful that your intellectual property, your creative work, is not stolen. Furthermore if you are in a sensitive field, such as law, criminal justice, teaching, or psychology, you want to be very cautious about sharing any information about patients or clients with someone new that you meet because you don't yet know if you can trust him or her and you don't want to put your career and the confidentiality of the information that you are privileged to know about at risk.

10. Also be careful about where you agree to meet initially if you do not know the financial situation of this new person. You might find yourself stuck picking up a rather large tab at an expensive restaurant if someone abandons you there.

11. Listen, really listen when you meet someone new. In your eagerness to please, or to be accepted, sometimes it's hard to listen as carefully to crucial cues about someone's legitimacy and reliability. Sometimes it's too easy to focus on whether or not the other person is impressed with you rather than what you think about him or her.

Beyond the First Meeting

12. Trust your instincts even if you're wondering if you should really be giving the person the benefit of the doubt. If you suspect any behavior that is abusive, violent, or excessive risk taking that could put or other's in harm's way, protect yourself by canceling your plans to get together or changing where or how you socialize, such as getting together with another couple or two rather than just the two of you.

13. Pay attention if friends or relatives warn you about this person, as long as you don't think it's because they're jealous of your newfound happiness. If they share with you reasons that may be founded, hear them out and take precautions to protect yourself, or seriously consider breaking off the relationship.

14. If you wish to take your relationship to the next level of physical intimacy, you have a right to expect your partner to protect himself or herself to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. If someone refuses to use protection that is a definite red flag.

15. Let the relationship develop at your own pace without being pressured to speed it up or slow it down by friends, family, or even your new date.

Even with these precautions, it's still possible to have lots of fun and to find romance. The right person will respect you for being cautious because he or she will see your concern as a reflection of your positive self-esteem that will make you that much more desirable.

These tips are based on my years as a relationships expert, but I also know it from a personal standpoint. I was single for more than a decade till I met my Mr. Right through an ad that I placed in New York magazine. Twenty-two years later, we're still happily married with two grown children.

As my husband is often fond of saying, when it comes to searching for that special someone, "All it takes is courage." Yes, and the knowledge of how to stay safe while searching.

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